Night Rages

I always strive to write about the things I do not want to forget. I always try to capture this place and time for Mya so both of us can look back at these entries someday and be transported. Not everything we deal with is smiley and fun - I realized recently that I hadn't talked about her night rages. From what I can gather, they are actually a form of night terrors, but I haven't found too much online about it.

Here's how it happens for Mya. Every so often (maybe once or twice a month) for about a year, Mya "wakes up" in a rage. I use quotation marks, because it is obvious that she is not actually awake for these episodes. I enter her room and she makes some declaration like "I want my water" and when I hand it to her, she knocks it away and her voice rises as she declares "Not that one, I want my big blue one," (or some such thing - it may be the wrong blanket, a different stuffed animal, a new pillow etc...) and simply by her tone, I know we are on our way to a rage.

I may try to distract her with a trip to the bathroom, but sure enough something about our trip will enrage her further. Once her voice rises too high, I take her out to the garage and hold her while we sit on the exercise equipment. If she gets combative, I set her on the step and stay nearby. She can't stay inside and scream while Lucas and Craig sleep.

Now we are in for a long session. She screams, she stomps, she wants to be picked up, put down etc. She may decide my arms aren't in the right place and shove me away. One time my head was supposed to be a fraction of an inch higher. Basically, she screams bloody murder for one thing and upon getting it, she screams bloody murder for the opposite. There is absolutely nothing logical or rational about her responses. There is no talking to her or soothing her.

Sometimes I turn on the light to trigger a shift, but when I do that I can see her eyes are glazed and unfocused. She is not really there with me.

Depending on the hour, sometimes I can be patient and calm with her and I repeatedly explain to her once she is quiet she can go back to her own bed. Once she stops we can go inside. If I don't feel that I can be patient, I keep my mouth shut and just sit with her, talking very little.

Sometimes, Craig comes down and takes over and that triggers something for Mya. Craig tells me that he often holds her very close to him and eventually she stops struggling and gets herself ready for sleep again. She wears herself out.

If it's just me, eventually, she starts to tell me she has stopped and she's ready. After a few false attempts where I take her inside only to have her start up again, she is finally truly ready to go back to her own bed. By this point she is loving and recovering.

I lay her down, cover her up, kiss her and tell her "night, night". It's heartbreaking to see her suffer and rage and be unable to help her. I know she is okay, but it is hard (made harder by the ungodly hour).

The next night I may encourage her at bedtime to sleep all night and I explain that there will be no waking up in the middle of the night except to go to the bathroom. Often she gives me a little "okay, I will" and I know we will be okay that night. I wish I knew more about what she is going through, but I am weirdly comforted by the fact that she is not really conscious and won't remember anything about it the next day.

I hope this phase soon passes and I am hopeful. The other night she started on her "that's not the water I want," routine and I actually kept providing her with what she needed and after getting her the pink bottle, the small blue bottle, the big blue bottle and then ice cubes, I explained I would get her ice for her big blue water and then she would roll over and go back to sleep and that's exactly what she did.